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Don’t misunderstand me — he worked his ass off at every step of this process. Because, while he was still gorgeous and sweet, he felt like my responsibility, not my lover. I hadn’t diagnosed what was really wrong — that I fall for potential only I can see, rather than the person actually standing in front of me.

All I did was point to each opportunity and facilitate things I was better at; things that were more straightforward for me, a native speaker and a Westerner. I tried to “do better” by dating wildly different men rather than working on myself.

I believed I needed to prove my value by fixing the most brilliant, beautiful object in the room, rather than recognizing my own worth as a subject.

So, I’ve turned to fixing myself rather than other people.

He landed a much better job at the college he attended. Yes, he deserved an I helped convince him he was ready, now, for things he thought he’d do later — like applying for citizenship, going to school, having a career. How I felt was obvious to me, and yet my role in what happened remained obscure.