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"She’ll appreciate your direct attitude, the way you like to take a chance, the way you take control of the situation."He’s alone in his weekend place on a stormy Friday night when the front doorbell goes. She’s Googled long and hard, located his second home, got a train up from London and is now demanding to come in Buoyed by my newly attributed skill set, I take to internet dating with gusto. Two lunches, two early evening drinks, two dinners. I travel to West Sussex to see a willowy, super hot Brazilian, health food nut who looks just like the foxy Colombian chanteuse Shakira. Last time, I heard, Audrey had landed herself a new job.After a month, the intensity of it is beginning to consume me. I go to Eastbourne for a date with a properly stunning, divorced hairdressing salon owner. The more I indulge, the more activity I commit to with ‘likes’ and searches and messages etc, the more traffic I seem to attract. I am, it transpires, her sixty-something internet date. As a consultant for an upmarket internet dating service. The great thing about internet dating is, one is never lost for conversational subject matter because if the chit-chat flags, you can always rely on the communal theme of, well… This is, indeed, a rich and colourful vein of anecdotage. I tell my dates about the terribly nice, middle class reformed cocaine addict I had drinks with who left her husband after he, during a bout of toxic psychosis, had tried to murder her with a pillow-over-her-face in her sleep.

Didn’t she start asking questions after six months? Growing more candid with each G&T, horsey lady shrugs and tells me she has now, in advanced mid-life, moved on and experienced a significant sexual awakening. As we get close, she clicks open the central locking and alerts me to the vehicle number plate.

She hadn’t even consummated her union with post-wedding fornication. All that time without corporeal action - how did that happen? ) is parked around the corner, in a quiet cul-de-sac.

""Get with the programme Granddad," the other cranial segment is urging. Then, the following morning, I wake up…to a text message. You are a lovely guy, but I don’t think we are compatible.

And what sort of a girl would want a date with the kind of loser who would sign himself up to an internet dating service, anyway?

And then all of a sudden I was locked out of my account?